I was starving and exhausted beyond compare. In my mind, even though I wasn’t allowed to think (he would know) I ran a thought loop through my head that defied my captor’s attempts to break me. His programming was that I was disgusting, reviled, and hated by all that was pure and sacred and all the angels thought that I deserved to suffer in a miserable eternal existence of pain.
He laughed and scoffed at my humiliation and the more that I suffered, the happier he was. He would invent ways to draw out my anguish. He would eat in front of me and mock me as he forced me to work in over 100 degree heat until I was exhausted and emaciated. He told me that God hated me; that I had defiled all that was good to such a degree that God wanted to see me suffer and was pleased at my misery. Not because God was unkind, but because I was such a disgusting waste of existence.
There was really nothing from my history that obviously contradicted his statements. I had a large family that didn’t seem to embrace me, I had made no great strides in the community to show great evidence of the contrary. I had no family of my own. He took my dog from me and convinced me that my dog, whom I had rescued, really hated me. He made me serve the dog as a king because it was an extension of him.
My brain nearly gave up the ability to think rationally. It had exhausted the possibilities to counter his programming. But there was one statement from my spiritual teachings that kept me alive: Soul exists because God loves it. I existed so God must love me. It was the one irrefutable argument I had in my mental and physical fog. It defied all his efforts to break me. I existed. God must love me. I was lovable. others exist so God must love others. So now I am connected to all through this realization. I am connected to all through the Love. That is all that remained of who I was. I AM the evidence of Love’s existence.