I don’t really want to write this. But I got the prompting to do so. I can’t know who it serves but it isn’t easy to write.
Everyday that I was imprisoned went similar to the day before. There were some different events added in. Like when I was sent out in the middle of the night in the snow storms to walk around the perimeter of the property in the dark. Or I was kept up for some exercise in sleep deprivation. Otherwise, the days and nights were all the same.
I would wake up before dawn and wait for the footsteps above me dreading the order to get up be dressed before he was ready to go out side. I would have to walk behind him 30 feet as he walked in the woods. He would get angry if I looked at him so he would give me difficult tasks, if I did, to burn off his anger.
I would then be sent out into the woods to work all day and was not allowed to come in before he said I could eat. I was given a small bowl of rice but if I enjoyed eating it he would be angry. He stopped feeding me at the end because it irritated him that I enjoyed the bowl of rice. I would not be allowed back in the house until after sunset when he called for me. I would then go into my room in the basement and wait for him to bark orders to me.
“Feed Chewy” (my dog that was now his). “Shower!” Any longer that 2 minutes would make him angry. “Food!” I was allowed to run up the stairs and get my bowl of rice. “Sleep” I was not allowed to lay down before then. There would be consequences if I did.
When he did deviate from the routine, it was worse. The unpredictability of it was disconcerting. Sometimes he would not let me eat until I explained how I killed my own baby. (I unfortunately told him at one point that I had an abortion. The more horrific I made the details and embellished what a horrible person I was,the happier he was. This routine made him very pleased. The other thing he enjoyed doing was making me carry wood into the house after I had worked all day outside. I walked in a zombie like state. He watched me and was looking for signs of resistance. I gave him none.
The torture sessions started after I had my bowl of rice. He would come down eating his dinner in front of me. If he saw a reaction in me, he took it as a sign that there was evil in me. Then he rode me really hard.
He knew I was an energy healer. I had helped him out considerably before we got to the property. But something in his head told him that I was stealing from him and that HE was the powerful energy worker. He believed that I had stolen his gifts and abilities and that he was a member of a dynamic super race and I was equivalent to a fallen angel. He has so much hate in him and it was all directed at me.
There were people that he hated in his life and he thought that I had an energetic access to them. He wanted me to energetically destroy them and he wanted to see it manifest in the physical. That is what he was waiting for when he had me and why he kept me. He hated his mother, boss, brother, ex girlfriend and a few others. He was waiting for confirmation that the evil in the world was being wiped out through me energetically destroying all of them. I played along and pretend that they were getting destroyed energetically. I had created huge back stories of how they were being destroyed energetically.
I would just play along. I would not and could not do anything to harm them But he depended on this reality. He blamed me when he didn’t get any outward confirmation of their demise. That made him hate me more and more. He thought that I was harboring the evil that he thought they were, within. He thought by destroying me, he would be destroying them.
So in the “sessions” he made me role play; them in their worst pain. He thought I was tapping into it and he actually believed it. I had to act out a different horrific scenarios of the slow torturous death of each one of them. One was by poisoning, one was by being burned alive, one was going down in a plane crash. Each one was so taxing because I had to make it convincing and so I had to pour into it all he fervor and energy of one dying a torturous death over and over again.
One particular night, he was getting impatient with the amount of time it was to get evidence that one of these people had been destroyed. He made me act out how they were suffering in energy over and over again. We were at it for hours. He felt that I was going to die as well when these people died. He said I was a compilation of them all and that I would die when our work together was finished. He explained to me how easy it would to bury my body in the woods because no one missed me and no one would care. That part I believed. I still do. He would have gotten away with it if I had died there.
This one night, the role playing went on for what seemed like forever. I had to toggle between scenarios and different nemesis until I was about to drop. Yet he was not satisfied. As I did each person in his life, he would yell at them, “You’re going to die”. He did this with a huge list of people we had made scenarios for.
Suddenly I got dizzy and confused. Everything started to blur in me and swirl around. Suddenly I heard the most beautiful music within my head. I stopped the role playing looked up and said in the most innocent voice, “I hear music”.
He stopped. “Who said that?” He asked. He did not recognize it as any of the cast of characters.. “Who said that?” He demanded.
In that innocent voice, I said, “It is beautiful”
He stopped. His demeanor changed. He was kind to this voice. He said in a nurturing way, “You are going to live”
I was so relieved. I knew I would make it out alive because of this innocent aspect of me that he witnessed. He had a kindness and a soft heart for this voice that he heard. He would want to engage it. He built a whole back story around it. It was a retarded boy that was robbed of all that it had by the ruthless evil other components of me. He gave it the name Skippy. He would have me do jobs that Skippy would like.
After that, I knew I was going to live. He would come out to see me after that and look forward to seeing Skippy and get really angry if I was not in Skippy mode. I don’t know what that looked like but I tried real hard to be that. I tried to be good and innocent so that I could survive.
That is why when I returned to civilization, I thought I was a retarded boy. I can catch Skippy in my voice once and awhile and then I am left wondering what all did transpire in energy during that year of imprisonment. People accuse me of being defensive. I am certain this experience acerbated that. I also believe it is why I refuse to self reflective. It brings me back to those rituals. I will keep my defenses and quirky inconsistencies. I have come by them honestly. I am doing my best that I can to contribute my gifts and make amends for whatever transgressions I may have done. Please don’t expect me to do any more. I sincerely believe I am doing the best I can.
As for that inner music, I know it is the celestial sound of God. It comes in different tones. But the pure music is what I heard that day. Hearing it kept me alive. I think of it as God speaking to me and healing me in it’s native tongue. I have heard recently that others have heard that sound as well. As far as I am concerned, God intervened for me that night. Perhaps that is what he is doing for others when they hear that sound. I hope they appreciate it a little bit. It surly is a gift.
- Dust off the things that brought you joy as a child
- Take up old hobbies that you loved
- Be spontaneous. When you feel like enjoying what makes you happy, don’t allow excuses or time to get in the way. If you allot a certain time to do something, then time, who is best friends with resistance, will talk you out of it. So do what you love when you feel like doing it and that will break through the resistance. Because resistance is being paralyzed in time and space.
- If you are restricted by a job, work what you love into the perimeters of your job as much as possible.
- Don’t listen to others who say you have to choose a profession where you make a lot of money. Money can be a form of imprisonment if you are converting all your happiness into the illusion of the monetary system.
- Do what you love regardless of money. Musicians are the wealthiest people I know regardless of whats in their bank account.
- Being fixated on making money is like being fixated on the clock and only acknowledging twelve o’clock. There are so many more forms of abundance besides money and to only acknowledge monetary wealth is a form of selling your soul to linear existence.
- You don’t need to know how to change the world in one sweeping decision. Move more and more in little steps to doing things you love and waste less and less energy in doing what you don’t love.
- Get everybody else out of your head. Living your purpose is your sacred contract between yourself and the Universe. Other people’s opinions or ideas for you are of no consequence and are only there to serve you resistance. This resistance makes doing what you love more glorious when you over come it. Overcoming resistance is the flavor of life.
- Don’t be afraid of letting people, places and things fall away on the way to living your purpose. A sculptor would have no success in creating their vision if they were afraid of chipping away pieces of stone.
- Don’t share your dreams with anyone. This merely dissipates the energy, and gives them the opportunity to diminish your passion in some way. even if it is unintentional. Your purpose is your sacred journey. Don’t outsource it to those who have strong opinions
- Don’t allow obstacles to limit you. Any pure intention fueled by a passion is invincible. The endurance of the human heart coupled by an encouraging mind have never been stretched to capacity.
- When ever you get afraid you will fail, understand that love is the opposite of fear. So all you have to do is pour more love into your passion to dissipate any fear. In this way, use fear as a gauge for more love instead of something to react to.
- Know that the Universe supports you in manifesting your greatest of accomplishments. Every inventor, innovator, creator and humanitarian who has every achieved, has been tested the way you are being tested in living your purpose. Take strength in realizing you are tapping into the fortitude of greatness in moving forward. Let this encourage you more.
- Give as you go. The act of empowering others allows you to advance as well. To wish the best for others is to tap into a source of empowerment that will sustain you more than the pettiness of coveting your own greatness. You will automatically be great in perpetuating the well being of all.
What Jen has done for me… (For anyone doubting)
The purpose of this write-up is to share. to expound a significant transformation that Jen has helped/is helping assist in me. If it resonates, let it empower you. If it does not, let it go.
Jen is helping us shift from an old out-dated model of power-over, of ego hierarchy, patriarchy, and assisting us into the new dimension of Love, of self-Re-Lionce Like a Lion. Empowerment. Strength, but Love. There are many like myself who are on the verge of breakthrough. She assisted me to TRUST. To have FAITH. I was at my breaking point. for a while I wanted to do a private session, but I was terrified. Looking back I don’t know what I was so scared of. It was my ego that was terrified! She even told me that.
In my community there so many dynamic healers, lovers, “muses” that are also on the verge. I am part of a music scene. It excites me. Music. It sets me free. But it is such a lopsided world of drugs, womanizing, ego. This example is given because it is a great one to show how those of us who see “the Man” see the out-dated models, and were/are fighting them, the hippies, the counter-culture movement. And sometimes what ends up happening is, we end up running away from those hypocrisies right into the arms of the same, right towards a source that simply perpetuates the same thing, the same misogyny, the same imbalance. you can’t run. you have to face it. And you see this in every type of movement! You see this in activism, in every kind of counter culture movement, it’s there. there is no way to “escape” it must be faced dead on so LOVE can move through it, and transform it. Because the hypocrisies exist Inside ourselves.
It was my own ego that needed to be transformed. It was like child-birth! It was painful, but not really. It was liberating! It was beautiful. FOR THE FIRST time in my entire Life I feel a clarity crystal clear like never before. And today the sky is crystal clear blue. Jen Ward was right in what she said to me, it’s like I have found TRUE love inside myself. But I was not TRUSTING IT. I was relying on old models of male validation, to prove my worth. Hi. My name is Lara Wahl and I was enslaved to Male energy. ha! But let’s not re-live it. I only share to help others. I can’t believe that the answer was right in front of me, no IN me, and I couldn’t see it.
Jen has no agenda for self promotion and ego. It is all love. You can trust it. I didn’t at first. I was so weighed down by skepticism. My ego was telling me that her harshness was her ego. It is not.
I can only explain it with this story: Shakubuku is a spiritual kick to the head sometimes loving and compassionate, sometimes firm and strict and harsh. It’s different for what different people need. The Buddha said= “At all times I think to myself:
How can I cause living beings
to gain entry into the unsurpassed way
and quickly acquire the body of a Buddha?” Sometimes they need “expedient means” this means medicine disguised as sufferings, to quickly awaken them. Sometimes harshness is needed to destroy the ego that is poisoning people. Sometimes Love is needed.
There is an awesome Buddhist story about a physician who goes around the world saving people. He returns home to find his sons deranged! He quickly gives them medicine (love). only 1/2 of them take it, and it cures them. (I believe there are 10 brothers to represent 10 realms of consciousness from Hunger, Hell, anger, then to Heaven (contentment) then up higher to Love- bhodisvattas and finally Buddhas – and we are always oscillating between the 10 worlds, it takes constant practice and diligence to help them “stick”- this is like Jen’s analogy of a pond that keeps refreezing. Consciousness has to constantly be pierced through with Truth) the other 5 brothers do not take the medicine. So he devises a plan to save them, he leaves and sends word that he has died. The 5 are so stricken with grief(suffering) that they QUICKLY expediently take the medicine. this of course cures them instantly. This is their ego that suffers, enough so that the sufferer can quickly attain the way to enlightenment…
Jen Ward is such a skilled physician
It was always within me. All the love I was seeking. My ego wanted to feel powerful and was seeking it from Male validation. She harmonized my body to recognize that that would never have empowered me, ever. She’s helped me find the bastion of strength and inextinguishable SOURCE of empowerment within myself.
❤ thank you so much for helping me. I love you~
There are some songs that have Universal appeal in releasing particular issues. I have a sense that is why they are popular. The song Hallelujah is effective in releasing issues from the crusades for some reason.
When I sing that to clients, all these images come through of the battles and issues of the crusades. Since the crusades went on for thousands of years, these images can be real diverse in relationship to the releasing of the person who stored them as unaddressed trauma.
The song “Arms of an Angel” is effective in releasing the issues of feeling isolated. It is what brings soothing for those desperately wishing to be saved from their despair. Deep issues that people have felt hopeless to release come pouring out when this song is sung. I do sing it with the intention of drawing out the issues.
The Carpenters have been single-handed in making a whole generation of people feel unworthy of love or feeling that love is unavailable to them. Popular lyrics that were sung over an over again were, “I’ll say goodbye to Love. No one ever cared if I should live or die..” “Rainy days and Mondays always get me down”, “Don’t you remember you told me you loved me baby”, and “I don’t know how to love him”. These are all great songs. But sang by an unsuspecting nation of people who didn’t realize how easily their psyche is programmed, a lot of damage was possibly done.
One should only listen to positive and uplifting songs. They are a way of programming the psyche. I think it is important for parents to monitor the lyrics of their children’s music. Rock music can be a way to release the angst of a growing teenager but the lyrics in some music is self-indulgent on the parts of the creators. Many hip hop songs with negative lyrics can be destructive. Popular artists have a responsibility to those who listen to their music, whether they realize it or not.
Many songs are anthems to uplift the spirit. “I believe I can fly”, “firework, or the perfect release song, “Let it go”. They are a great way to recharge your battery rather than deplete it.