The Ritualistic Torture. or……. How the Celestial Sound of God Saved My Life


I don’t really want to write this. But I got the prompting to do so. I can’t know who it serves but it isn’t easy to write.

Everyday that I was imprisoned went similar to the day before. There were some different events added in. Like when I was sent out in the middle of the night in the snow storms to walk around the perimeter of the property in the dark. Or I was kept up for some exercise in sleep deprivation. Otherwise, the days and nights were all the same.

I would wake up before dawn and wait for the footsteps above me dreading the order to get up be dressed before he was ready to go out side. I would have to walk behind him 30 feet as he walked in the woods. He would get angry if I looked at him so he would give me difficult tasks, if I did, to burn off his anger.

I would then be sent out into the woods to work all day and was not allowed to come in before he said I could eat. I was given a small bowl of rice but if I enjoyed eating it he would be angry. He stopped feeding me at the end because it irritated him that I enjoyed the bowl of rice. I would not be allowed back in the house until after sunset when he called for me. I would then go into my room in the basement and wait for him to bark orders to me.

“Feed Chewy” (my dog that was now his). “Shower!” Any longer that 2 minutes would make him angry. “Food!” I was allowed to run up the stairs and get my bowl of rice. “Sleep” I was not allowed to lay down before then. There would be consequences if I did.

When he did deviate from the routine, it was worse. The unpredictability of it was disconcerting. Sometimes he would not let me eat until I explained how I killed my own baby. (I unfortunately told him at one point that I had an abortion. The more horrific I made the details and embellished what a horrible person I was,the happier he was. This routine made him very pleased. The other thing he enjoyed doing was making me carry wood into the house after I had worked all day outside. I walked in a zombie like state. He watched me and was looking for signs of resistance. I gave him none.

The torture sessions started after I had my bowl of rice. He would come down eating his dinner in front of me. If he saw a reaction in me, he took it as a sign that there was evil in me. Then he rode me really hard.

He knew I was an energy healer. I had helped him out considerably before we got to the property. But something in his head told him that I was stealing from him and that HE was the powerful energy worker. He believed that I had stolen his gifts and abilities and that he was a member of a dynamic super race and I was equivalent to a fallen angel. He has so much hate in him and it was all directed at me.

There were people that he hated in his life and he thought that I had an energetic access to them. He wanted me to energetically destroy them and he wanted to see it manifest in the physical. That is what he was waiting for when he had me and why he kept me. He hated his mother, boss, brother, ex girlfriend and a few others. He was waiting for confirmation that the evil in the world was being wiped out through me energetically destroying all of them. I played along and pretend that they were getting destroyed energetically. I had created huge back stories of how they were being destroyed energetically.

I would just play along. I would not and could not do anything to harm them But he depended on this reality. He blamed me when he didn’t get any outward confirmation of their demise. That made him hate me more and more. He thought that I was harboring the evil that he thought they were, within. He thought by destroying me, he would be destroying them.

So in the “sessions” he made me role play; them in their worst pain. He thought I was tapping into it and he actually believed it. I had to act out a different horrific scenarios of the slow torturous death of each one of them. One was by poisoning, one was by being burned alive, one was going down in a plane crash. Each one was so taxing because I had to make it convincing and so I had to pour into it all he fervor and energy of one dying a torturous death over and over again.

One particular night, he was getting impatient with the amount of time it was to get evidence that one of these people had been destroyed. He made me act out how they were suffering in energy over and over again. We were at it for hours. He felt that I was going to die as well when these people died. He said I was a compilation of them all and that I would die when our work together was finished. He explained to me how easy it would to bury my body in the woods because no one missed me and no one would care. That part I believed. I still do. He would have gotten away with it if I had died there.

This one night, the role playing went on for what seemed like forever. I had to toggle between scenarios and different nemesis until I was about to drop. Yet he was not satisfied. As I did each person in his life, he would yell at them, “You’re going to die”. He did this with a huge list of people we had made scenarios for.

Suddenly I got dizzy and confused. Everything started to blur in me and swirl around. Suddenly I heard the most beautiful music within my head. I stopped the role playing looked up and said in the most innocent voice, “I hear music”.

He stopped. “Who said that?” He asked. He did not recognize it as any of the cast of characters.. “Who said that?” He demanded.

In that innocent voice, I said, “It is beautiful”

He stopped. His demeanor changed. He was kind to this voice. He said in a nurturing way, “You are going to live”

I was so relieved. I knew I would make it out alive because of this innocent aspect of me that he witnessed. He had a kindness and a soft heart for this voice that he heard. He would want to engage it. He built a whole back story around it. It was a retarded boy that was robbed of all that it had by the ruthless evil other components of me. He gave it the name Skippy. He would have me do jobs that Skippy would like.

After that, I knew I was going to live. He would come out to see me after that and look forward to seeing Skippy and get really angry if I was not in Skippy mode. I don’t know what that looked like but I tried real hard to be that. I tried to be good and innocent so that I could survive.

That is why when I returned to civilization, I thought I was a retarded boy. I can catch Skippy in my voice once and awhile and then I am left wondering what all did transpire in energy during that year of imprisonment. People accuse me of being defensive. I am certain this experience acerbated that. I also believe it is why I refuse to self reflective. It brings me back to those rituals. I will keep my defenses and quirky inconsistencies. I have come by them honestly. I am doing my best that I can to contribute my gifts and make amends for whatever transgressions I may have done. Please don’t expect me to do any more. I sincerely believe I am doing the best I can.

As for that inner music, I know it is the celestial sound of God. It comes in different tones. But the pure music is what I heard that day. Hearing it kept me alive. I think of it as God speaking to me and healing me in it’s native tongue. I have heard recently that others have heard that sound as well. As far as I am concerned, God intervened for me that night. Perhaps that is what he is doing for others when they hear that sound. I hope they appreciate it a little bit. It surly is a gift.

Full Circle 


The guy who imprisoned me was actually trying to be a good person. At first he wanted to understand the subtleties of what I do. He listened and absorbed a lot. When I first met him, I saw the distortions in his energy field. In just a couple of sessions, he felt so much relief and empowerment that he was very loyal to me.
He was very generous with gifts. His energy field was better aligned. 

He was very appreciative of my help and when he got relocated to another state, wanted me to join him so that I could help him stay feeling so good and he could make my life easier. It was what so many young, naive, love starved girls do these days. I should have been old enough to known better. I did not. Actually something in me told me I needed the experience; which I did. I felt that I was leaving as Gandolf the gray and returning as Gandolf the white. Which figuratively, I did.

When we got there, he got more and more agitated with me. He hated working and felt energetically attacked at all times. It was my job to energetically protect him. But there is only so much that one can do to assist another. He started feeling that the boss that hired him, was not his friend any more and started to slowly, methodically and literally demonize him. He also demonized myself as well.

I would watch him brood more and more. He would throw concepts out there that he wholeheartedly believed. With each one, I was the supposed antagonist. One day he told me that he knew that I was trying to destroy him and that I was in allegiance with his boss. After a day when I spent the whole day working in the hot sun, trying to figure out how to get home, I came into him sitting in the dark house saying that he knew I was planning an attack against him. He also thought I was stealing his power from him and that all my insights were HIS to begin with. He was beyond reason.

He hated his boss, he hated me and there was another character that he demonized. There was a little fox that would come by where I worked outside and defecated next to me. He took this as a personal attack. The three of us, the fox, his boss, and myself became tangled into one plot of revenge against us and the target of all his hostility . He wanted us all dead. The boss he wanted to come to a gruel demise in a car crash or something more horrendous, me he was starving sleep depriving and torturing me at that point; and the fox, he set traps to catch and kill it. He actually thought the three of us were one. He hated his boss through me and he hated me through the hunt of the fox.

His hopes were, that when one of us dies, he didn’t care which one, the other two would die too. He had me set traps and bait them at night to catch the fox and kill it. The fox was clever. I lived in such dread but he said this nightmare of our living together would end after the fox was gone. We both lived for that to happen. He stopped working at his job so he could commit himself full-time at destroying evil on earth; which was me, the fox and his boss. That is what the trilogy of the three of us had become for him. Through knowing him, I realized how people who harm others can do such a thing. He convinced himself that we weren’t real. That we were all just projections of light thrown up on a backdrop of this world. He was mixing deep metaphysical beliefs with his psychosis. To us, we weren’t even real.

One rainy morning, instead of barking orders at me through his hatred, he came in talking nice to me as if it was the most natural thing in the world. There was an aspect of me that he couldn’t see as evil. He did see the goodness there and thought it was a retarded boy. That retarded boy’s name was Skippy. When he was nice to me, he was talking to Skippy. At that point I was just so happy to know that there was goodness in me and that he would talk to it. It was Skippy’s job that morning to kill the fox and burn all the energy out of its body.

It was raining so hard. Thank goodness I don’t have much memory of this. But I remember burning the body and having a handful of meat in my hands. I so desperately wanted to eat it. But felt if I did, I would be eating the evil that he said the fox was. After I was finished, I went inside the house to sleep. It was something that I was never allowed to do. As I was resting, being so grateful that it was over, he came down the stairs. He could still feel my strong energy in the house. It was disturbing to him. He sent me back out into the woods in the rain. He followed a bit afterwards and heckled me as I was drenched and cold and picked up sticks to keep busy. He was laughing maniacally and taunting me saying, “Look it. You are literally not out of the woods yet”. I walked around crying saying over and over “It’s not funny. It’s not funny”.

After he had time to reflect on what happened, he came to the very wise conclusion that it was not the right fox. We got the wrong one. We would start out the next day and find the right one. But the spell had been broken in me. I no longer listened to what he had said. I started to think for myself and started to have night dreams and thoughts again. I sat in the woods in defiance one day and sang every song that I could thing of. I didn’t realize it, but I was healing myself to get up one morning soon and just walk myself out of there; which I did.

When I came home, it was without fanfare. Therapists that I tried to sit with could not handle my story. I saw a new therapist that was assigned to me, literally fall backwards in his chair. Friends and family didn’t want to know what happened. The local director of the spiritual group that I was devoted to for the last 30 years before that, told me not to show up at the services because it would reflect bad on them to any visitors. It has mostly been through connecting to so many wonderful and supportive people here on Facebook and Twitter, and sharing my gifts that I have been able to heal from that experience.

It has been through my ongoing outflow of helping others that I have been able to fully recover from this experience. The other day my dear friend and a group of spiritually advanced individuals, did some taps to help me from being dismissed in the world. I posted them under the title “The Gift” and a couple of people were gracious enough to do them to assist my work in the world and to assist me. There are no words to articulate the gratitude to the ones that were willing to assist me in that way.

I know that I have been exonerated for my part in killing the fox. But the whole experience came full circle when I looked out my window yesterday morning and there was a very happy and mischievous fox on my front lawn. He lingered there and looked over his shoulders. I remember him smiling. He is so healthy and happy that it felt like a gift from the Universe.  I ended up feeding a nurturing the fox community around my house for a while. I assisted them in thriving. But they started to use my yard as a haven to hunt and I had to put that back into balance.

A chapter of my life finally has been closed and I am fully healed from it, That is why I can finally untangle it in my memories and share it. May it do some good some where. Perhaps if some teenager is enamored by a boy on-line, their parents can share this with them. Because all those who are enslaved, started out at one point with free will. May all those who are enslave have the strength and resilience to get themselves free. This is my intention in sharing as I do. This experience that I endured through ignited my passion for others and a deep understanding of what those who are going through the most horrific plights are dealing with.

I am grateful for everything that I have experienced. It gives me a tactical understanding and an energetic conduit as to how to assist others in their most desperate times. Isn’t that the best thing to get out of any experience?